On Sunday mornings, during my high school years, I would volunteer at the local adult home. I simply sat with the elderly people, sometimes talking, sometimes just sitting with them for companionship. I’ll never forget this one woman, Mrs. Burdett, she had the most amazing life. She traveled tons of places and in a journal, wrote about the most significant part of each travel.
“Paula, I could read you more from my journal. The next one is my trip to Japan.”
“Sure Mrs. Burdett, I would love to hear it”
She grabbed her journal delicately, as if the memories in side would fade away if she handled it too roughly. Looking at her, she at that familiar look in her eyes every time she read from it, that look of longing to be where the journal takes her only in words. She read to me most of these journal entries but one, a sunrise, was the most amazing entry:
I really liked this introduction compared to the one you used in your essay. I liked how you added dialogue in the opening because it sets a casual setting that you stated in the previous sentence. This sentence was my favorite “She grabbed her journal delicately, as if the memories in side would fade away if she handled it too roughly.” You showed how important this memory was to her. Good job!
I really like the change you made to your introduction. I think the dialogue you added is a great addition and it really strengthens your introduction. You really showed us how important the memory is.
This addition to your essay definitely strengthens it. I also really liked the part where you describe how she grabs the journal “delicately.” After reading this and seeing more of Mrs. Burdett’s character, I have another question that might help strengthen the essay. Do you think traveling and seeing that sunrise changed Mrs. Burdett, and if so, how?
I think this is a much better opening to your essay–it really sets the scene and paints the picture of Mrs. Burdett a little more clearly. I think you could talk about who she was a little more maybe even, like more of a physical description maybe incorporating Kait’s suggestion about how the travels changed Mrs. Burdett? Nice Job!